Journal Eleven: Close Revision

For your 11th blog entry, I want you to pick one of the weakest paragraphs in your Proposal paper and revise it as best as you can. Your blog entry should include that paragraph in its original/weak form as well as its revision so I can see exactly how you revised your work. Make sure to fix all verb tense agreement issues. Include strong transitions if necessary. Get rid of sentence fragments and/or run-on sentences. Tidy up your word choice. Clarify language where needed. And make sure any citations or quotes are properly formatted.